Good Morning! I've decided to only work on this during the week days. Too much going on during the week ENDS and I don't want it to become a chore. I've also been having phone issues, and in the process of fixing them, the phone company has now disconnected my internet service. So this post will probably get done at work.
It was a lovely weekend....I got to visit on Friday night with some new girlfriends. They invited me to a wine and cheese celebration of the closing of a business. Somewhat strange to celebrate, but it turned into a very enjoyable evening. There was another lady there with my name, and it turns out there may be something to our names affecting our personalities. Lol, she could also be 'way too much' sometimes! Very talkative, and very opinionated, and very open. Of course, overall I like that in a person, so I'm not complaining, I promise.
It's funny, but I realize as I type those words, that IS how most people would describe me. And while I enjoyed the evening, I actually talked very little. Lol, especially in comparison to the others. It was easy to just sit and listen and once in a while, make a comment that would take them on another tangent. I can see how I used to do that a lot too. Take a tangent and keep on talking, I mean. And yet, I've also been quiet a lot also. I wish I could look at myself objectively, and see if that was part of my far past, or if it is just something that has crept up lately.
Alas, that is not always possible. Sometimes 'life' creeps up on you in such a way that you don't really realize when you stop doing one thing and begin another. You just know that THIS is who you are right now. I have some family members who don't really want to see who I am right now. They want to keep me stuck in the past, and in their case, the very far past. I wonder if I have contributed to that mindset, by my willingness to 'take responsibility' for my part (and sometimes more than my part) of a situation, THE MINUTE I realize I have some culpability.
I have realized the words that one uses to describe or talk about ones self DO affect how others see you. I've spent way too much time and used way too many demeaning words, to describe many of my traits and actions, just because I wanted to show that I was willing to 'see myself' and my part. (smile) All because I had a close relative who never was......another example that when you swing to the whole other side of an issue, you often aren't in any more of the 'right' place than the person whose actions sent you there.
Learning to find that 'balance' and live it, without being pushed by others actions, may be the most important aspect to learn on living one's life well. And I do want to continue towards that place. I have realized that some of the people closest in my life have evoked from me growth and change. And yet in their dealings with me, they want to keep me stuck in the past. I guess it is easier for me not to effect them if they can do that. My task will be figuring out how to stay in my 'balanced' place....no matter what they choose to do, or how they choose to see me. Until.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Introductions to Me!
Boy, do I have a lot to learn! Lol, you think you will 'dip your toe' in the water and try something new that has scared you....and you find out that you actually need to learn how to just put your toe in the water first! My blog design may be boring as hell, but I think we are just going to be stuck with it, until I have time to learn more about the basics of these templates, designs and tools....so I can make it serve me better.
I've decided not to micro-manage any aspect of this blogging experience....lol, it really may not be that important any way. I could just be writing to myself. :-) But more than that, I want it to be something that 'flows and evokes' for me the insight I am reaching for. That's only going to happen if I do 'let it flow' and not fret too much over mistakes, etc. So I'm not going to spend lots of time in the other 23 and a half hours of my life thinking about it. Instead I'm going to 'live life' and then take this half hour to 'process' and let those 'aha moments' pop up right here.
With all of that being said, let me introduce myself. (smile!) You can call me T. A lot of people do. I'm a 50's, pretty happily married woman, with kids and step-kids, who I love and adore. And like many who wear my title, I've been over-involved with my children at different times in their lives. (grin!) And like many life experiences, it has helped to take me to this place that I am now. Of looking at myself thru fresh eyes, learning to see who I am without the defining moniker of 'mother' attached to my being. It's pretty awesome actually. It took me a long time to get here. And it is amazing how attached I've been to that role in my life. I know there is so much depth to who I am (lol, one of my family's complaints) and yet, as I look around....it's hard to 'see' what is left. I'm so used to zeroing in on all the layers of being a motherly caretaker. It's like in the 'picture of my life' those aspects stood out in sharp contrast, and all of the other traits, characteristics, and aspects of me faded so much into the background, they almost became white and unable to be seen.
Lol, not going to list lots of specific details, but it is safe to say that my kids are 'well' into their 20's. So the 'letting go' process has been slowly occurring. And often not at as fast a rate as my children would have liked. But, well....everything happens in it's time. Lol, and my kids will get that one day. And quite honestly, other than a periodic reference for 'understanding' I don't intend to talk about my kids very much. This is about me. Lol, for the first time in 'their' life, I am thinking of ME first. (grin!) It feels good and slightly scary at the same time. I guess, mostly, because those 'details' are faded into that white background. And I'm not sure what I'm going to see and find as I look. But I am excited to begin the journey.
I think, like a lot of things we repress or don't allow attention to, those background details are going to be slow, coming into focus. I hope I won't get too 'boring' or redundant as I explore and work on figuring them out. Lol, I hope I can find some 'interesting' stories to include to at least make it worth your while, to stop and read for a few minutes. But well, I may not. Lol, that might be my learning curve for down the road a bit. And in that case, it will just be me and You....this fictional person I imagine I am writing to, who is made up of lots of attributes of many people. And Your imagined attention is what is pulling these things out of me, including realizations as I go.
So that takes care of the mundane introductions.....and now tomorrow, hopefully we can begin to party together, in whatever way we want to do so. Until then....oh, I'll work on some catchy 'sign off' phrase, but for now, this is all you get. :-) Wait, wait...I'm a 'quote Queen' and love to collect them from all over the place. I saw this one the other day from Dolly Parton, and maybe it should be my 'catch phrase.' "Figure out who you are; then do it on purpose." That actually sounds like a really great goal! Until.....
I've decided not to micro-manage any aspect of this blogging experience....lol, it really may not be that important any way. I could just be writing to myself. :-) But more than that, I want it to be something that 'flows and evokes' for me the insight I am reaching for. That's only going to happen if I do 'let it flow' and not fret too much over mistakes, etc. So I'm not going to spend lots of time in the other 23 and a half hours of my life thinking about it. Instead I'm going to 'live life' and then take this half hour to 'process' and let those 'aha moments' pop up right here.
With all of that being said, let me introduce myself. (smile!) You can call me T. A lot of people do. I'm a 50's, pretty happily married woman, with kids and step-kids, who I love and adore. And like many who wear my title, I've been over-involved with my children at different times in their lives. (grin!) And like many life experiences, it has helped to take me to this place that I am now. Of looking at myself thru fresh eyes, learning to see who I am without the defining moniker of 'mother' attached to my being. It's pretty awesome actually. It took me a long time to get here. And it is amazing how attached I've been to that role in my life. I know there is so much depth to who I am (lol, one of my family's complaints) and yet, as I look around....it's hard to 'see' what is left. I'm so used to zeroing in on all the layers of being a motherly caretaker. It's like in the 'picture of my life' those aspects stood out in sharp contrast, and all of the other traits, characteristics, and aspects of me faded so much into the background, they almost became white and unable to be seen.
Lol, not going to list lots of specific details, but it is safe to say that my kids are 'well' into their 20's. So the 'letting go' process has been slowly occurring. And often not at as fast a rate as my children would have liked. But, well....everything happens in it's time. Lol, and my kids will get that one day. And quite honestly, other than a periodic reference for 'understanding' I don't intend to talk about my kids very much. This is about me. Lol, for the first time in 'their' life, I am thinking of ME first. (grin!) It feels good and slightly scary at the same time. I guess, mostly, because those 'details' are faded into that white background. And I'm not sure what I'm going to see and find as I look. But I am excited to begin the journey.
I think, like a lot of things we repress or don't allow attention to, those background details are going to be slow, coming into focus. I hope I won't get too 'boring' or redundant as I explore and work on figuring them out. Lol, I hope I can find some 'interesting' stories to include to at least make it worth your while, to stop and read for a few minutes. But well, I may not. Lol, that might be my learning curve for down the road a bit. And in that case, it will just be me and You....this fictional person I imagine I am writing to, who is made up of lots of attributes of many people. And Your imagined attention is what is pulling these things out of me, including realizations as I go.
So that takes care of the mundane introductions.....and now tomorrow, hopefully we can begin to party together, in whatever way we want to do so. Until then....oh, I'll work on some catchy 'sign off' phrase, but for now, this is all you get. :-) Wait, wait...I'm a 'quote Queen' and love to collect them from all over the place. I saw this one the other day from Dolly Parton, and maybe it should be my 'catch phrase.' "Figure out who you are; then do it on purpose." That actually sounds like a really great goal! Until.....
Thursday, October 27, 2011
The Beginning....
So after years of reading other people's blogs, I'm really going to do this. Lol, for me it's scary as hell. I'm always willing to share the 'inner most' me with others.....oh that's not a problem. But I usually only do it with those that are close to me. Or in a small group. But here. The potential is huge. And I really do not like having the attention of lots of people. Tough. Suck it up. I'm here.
For two reasons. One I want to practice the skill of 'writing' and 'sharing life' in an interesting way. I have a project in mind (for my own gratification) of writing a story of my life. Oh, not because I think it has been 'book-worthy' (so far) or even all that interesting. Just because I like to take on challenges, and stretch myself in ways I've never attempted before. And mostly ones within myself.
Lol, and what better forum than this. Plus I'll never really know if anybody is reading it or not. Could eventually be two people. :) So it may continue to feel like a 'safe place' to practice. And I might actually have a few people run across it, that can offer me constructive feedback (please).
Second, I'm inventing a new part of me. It turns out that life has shown me that the largest part of who I have 'been' up to this point, well, that person's changing. Hmmm, maybe I have misspoke. I think that the largest part of who I have been has been there all along. And hasn't really changed in the most important ways. I just was not paying attention to that part of me. I let 'motherhood' and 'children' be my focus, as if those aspects were the most important part of me. Maybe they were, but they are not anymore.
So I'm on a journey to figure out exactly who this lady is, without the defining attribute of 'mother' that has been almost my only focus during my adult life. This forum offers me fear (of readers, criticizers, or even a rude person or two) that will keep me a little more 'aware' as I venture forth. Possibly helping me to gain more insight than if I was just 'ranting along' in my journal. And it also offers me the possibility of a comment or two from someone, who resonates with something I've written, that will give me insights along the way. So here we go. Let's see where it takes us.
For two reasons. One I want to practice the skill of 'writing' and 'sharing life' in an interesting way. I have a project in mind (for my own gratification) of writing a story of my life. Oh, not because I think it has been 'book-worthy' (so far) or even all that interesting. Just because I like to take on challenges, and stretch myself in ways I've never attempted before. And mostly ones within myself.
Lol, and what better forum than this. Plus I'll never really know if anybody is reading it or not. Could eventually be two people. :) So it may continue to feel like a 'safe place' to practice. And I might actually have a few people run across it, that can offer me constructive feedback (please).
Second, I'm inventing a new part of me. It turns out that life has shown me that the largest part of who I have 'been' up to this point, well, that person's changing. Hmmm, maybe I have misspoke. I think that the largest part of who I have been has been there all along. And hasn't really changed in the most important ways. I just was not paying attention to that part of me. I let 'motherhood' and 'children' be my focus, as if those aspects were the most important part of me. Maybe they were, but they are not anymore.
So I'm on a journey to figure out exactly who this lady is, without the defining attribute of 'mother' that has been almost my only focus during my adult life. This forum offers me fear (of readers, criticizers, or even a rude person or two) that will keep me a little more 'aware' as I venture forth. Possibly helping me to gain more insight than if I was just 'ranting along' in my journal. And it also offers me the possibility of a comment or two from someone, who resonates with something I've written, that will give me insights along the way. So here we go. Let's see where it takes us.
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