Happy Weekend!

Obviously I've had no time to come and visit here this week.  The services for my brother-in-law were Monday, and this past weekend, as well as a lot of this week, have been emotional, hectic, and sometimes difficult to get through.  Yes, he lived a nice long life.....but he still left us before we were ready to lose him.  It will take time to adjust.

I've not had as much time to 'contemplate' Me during all of this, but am certain I will be 'waiting' there waiting for the realizations, as soon as I have time to devote to that again.  I think I have moved beyond the next 'rise in the road' sometime over the last month to several weeks.  I don't know why, but I feel stronger in myself.  I've noticed that those few moments that I would allow myself to become 'fearful' that my family was letting go of those special emotions we had built over the years, well, they've become less and less.  I think that is because I 'feel' stronger in myself, and therefore they fear has less power.  Or at least I hope that is what it is.

I did read a column/newsletter that I get, and it touches on this same journey that many people take in their lifetime.  Lol, sometimes at very different times, and sometimes many different times.  Thought I would put it here for you to read.  Hope it edifies you like it enhanced my world too!  It is by the Daily OM.

November 10, 2011 Who Am I The Heart Of Unknowing The question of who we are is a seed that can bear much fruit if given the chance to unfold. At some point in our lives, or perhaps at many points in our lives, we ask the question, “Who am I?” At times like these, we are looking beyond the obvious, beyond our names and the names of the cities and states we came from, into the layers beneath our surface identities. We may feel the need for a deeper sense of purpose in our lives, or we may be ready to accommodate a more complex understanding of the situation in which we find ourselves. Whatever the case, the question of who we are is a seed that can bear much fruit. It can send us on an exploration of our ancestry, or the past lives of our soul. It can call us to take up journaling in order to discover that voice deep within us that seems to know the answers to a multitude of questions. It can draw our attention so deeply inward that we find the spark of spirit that connects us to every living thing in the universe. One Hindu tradition counsels its practitioners to ask the question over and over, using it as a mantra to lead them inevitably into the heart of the divine. While there are people who seem to come into the world knowing who they are and why they are here, for the most part the human journey appears to be very much about asking this question and allowing its answers to guide us on our paths. So when we find ourselves in the heart of unknowing, we can have faith that we are in a very human place, as well as a very divine one. “Who am I?” is a timeless mantra, a Zen koan ultimately designed to lead us home, into the part of our minds that finally lets go of questions and answers and finds instead the ability to simply be.

Happy Friday!

And I have nothing that is being 'called' forth out of me.  So there will be no words from me this day.

Except figure out who you are and go forth and be them ON PURPOSE!  Until!

Where is your heart? Where's your treasure?

"Time is at once the most valuable and the most perishable of all our possessions." --John Randolph

Boy is this a true statement.  Never is it brought home more fully than when you lose someone you love and enjoy spending time with.  Today we lost my brother-in-law.  My husband's oldest brother.  Probably the sibling he was the most like, and the closest too.  We had become aware in the last eight months that he had developed some serious illness, so we made sure that we didn't 'put off' seeing him or spending time with him.  And yet, while we knew this day would come eventually, we were still not prepared for it.  Especially my husband.  

A potent reminder to think very carefully about how you spend your time, so you have it to spend with those you most value and love.  One day, there will be no more days for you to get to enjoy with them anymore.  I have a list of things that I allow to be time-stealers.  That keep me from spending time with those who appreciate me and value my company, and vice-versa.  Today that changes.  I hope if anybody does see my words today, that they do the same.  Whatever petty differences you may have allowed to come between you and others you have loved, think about whether they are truly that important.  Because I have relationships where we both have allowed things to come between us, and it has lasted so long, that I don't think we can change it now.  The love has been banked to have almost no embers left.

And real love is not something we want to let go of lightly....nor your moments of this life to just any kind of time-stealer.  Choose wisely for both of these.

Veering Off My Blogging Course...

It has become apparent that it is very difficult to make sure you blog every day, even if you are only making the effort during the week.  Here it is, almost bedtime, with a few household things that still need to get done, and I haven't even looked at blogs today.  Especially mine.  That's definitely NOT what I wanted this endeavor to be.

I wanted it to be a 'safe' place to explore how I felt, looked at life, and figure out in the process, where I'm going from here.  The 'every week day' agenda I gave myself feels as if I've pressured myself into 'performing' on here.  Which sorta makes me smile....since I'm pretty sure if anybody who knows anything about blogs, read mine, they'd say I've been doing the 'farthest thing' from actually giving a good performance. :-))  So I'm gonna restructure.  I'm not going to tell myself I have a certain 'time element' to post within.  Or try to make themes for my blogging topics.  I'm going to post when I have a few moments to do so.

And I am just going to type about what I think.  Not about life in general or to share my great thoughts.  But to capture some of the thoughts that run through my head sometimes.  There are lots of them, sometimes.....unfortunately.  And I would like to lasso a few of them to 'focus' on my future.  Not long range plans or what I want to be when I grow up....not sure that is ever going to happen.  But rather be able to focus them to figure out what I want to do in the short range.  How I want to guide my life, as I continue on this journey.

I AM at a place where I will be making some decisions in my life soon.  Choosing among the 'forks in my road.'  I'd like to choose in a way that truly serves what is deep inside of me, and takes me where I want to go.  So I'm going to say 'good night' and get ready for bed.  And you'll see me when you see me.  (smile) I really think the likelihood of actually having a real reader is going to be miniscule anyway.  But that is okay.  Doesn't mean I still can't accomplish my goal.  I'm going to keep imagining the You who is reading.  And I do have a great imagination.

Happy 11-1-11

Happy 11-1-11....lol, sometimes it takes the smallest things to bring a smile to your face!  Lol, just wait until next week and we all get to live the day 11-11-11...how much fun will that be!  I hope you all had a lovely Halloween.  It is one of my favorite holidays.  None the evil, yucky, gross kind, but the fun, slightly spooky, enjoyable kind!  Of course, my house was totally decorated the way I like it....and not ONE trick or treater!  Lol, I hope one day I get to live in a place where we get to have some people who actually don't live in fear and actually go around their neighborhood to trick or treat!!!


I'm not sure I have much to say or talk about today.  I had posted some stuff, but had gotten way off base from my intentions for this blog.  The idea that I had to get on here and post, even if I wasn't inspired, forced me along a route I really wasn't ready to travel on here.  So I saved the information to my note file, and we'll see if there is a purpose to that meandering in the future.


Meanwhile, I think I'll just cut it short and sweet and let this wonderful 'date' stand on its own.  I'm still trying to figure out how I am going to get better at my writing skills when it is doubtful anybody will be reading this, much less someone with some qualifications to give advice.  But I'll keep throwing it out to the universe and see what pops us!  And until that happens....or I get inpired....ENJOY!

Good Morning Monday!

Good Morning!  I've decided to only work on this during the week days.  Too much going on during the week ENDS and I don't want it to become a chore.  I've also been having phone issues, and in the process of fixing them, the phone company has now disconnected my internet service.  So this post will probably get done at work.


It was a lovely weekend....I got to visit on Friday night with some new girlfriends.  They invited me to a wine and cheese celebration of the closing of a business.  Somewhat strange to celebrate, but it turned into a very enjoyable evening.  There was another lady there with my name, and it turns out there may be something to our names affecting our personalities.  Lol, she could also be 'way too much' sometimes!  Very talkative, and very opinionated, and very open.  Of course, overall I like that in a person, so I'm not complaining, I promise.


It's funny, but I realize as I type those words, that IS how most people would describe me.  And while I enjoyed the evening, I actually talked very little.  Lol, especially in comparison to the others.  It was easy to just sit and listen and once in a while, make a comment that would take them on another tangent.  I can see how I used to do that a lot too.  Take a tangent and keep on talking, I mean.  And yet, I've also been quiet a lot also.  I wish I could look at myself objectively, and see if that was part of my far past, or if it is just something that has crept up lately.


Alas, that is not always possible.  Sometimes 'life' creeps up on you in such a way that you don't really realize when you stop doing one thing and begin another.  You just know that THIS is who you are right now.  I have some family members who don't really want to see who I am right now.  They want to keep me stuck in the past, and in their case, the very far past.  I wonder if I have contributed to that mindset, by my willingness to 'take responsibility' for my part (and sometimes more than my part) of a situation, THE MINUTE I realize I have some culpability.


I have realized the words that one uses to describe or talk about ones self DO affect how others see you.  I've spent way too much time and used way too many demeaning words, to describe many of my traits and actions, just because I wanted to show that I was willing to 'see myself' and my part.  (smile) All because I had a close relative who never was......another example that when you swing to the whole other side of an issue, you often aren't in any more of the 'right' place than the person whose actions sent you there.


Learning to find that 'balance' and live it, without being pushed by others actions, may be the most important aspect to learn on living one's life well.  And I do want to continue towards that place.  I have realized that some of the people closest in my life have evoked from me growth and change.  And yet in their dealings with me, they want to keep me stuck in the past.  I guess it is easier for me not to effect them if they can do that.  My task will be figuring out how to stay in my 'balanced' place....no matter what they choose to do, or how they choose to see me.  Until.

Introductions to Me!

Boy, do I have a lot to learn!  Lol, you think you will 'dip your toe' in the water and try something new that has scared you....and you find out that you actually need to learn how to just put your toe in the water first!  My blog design may be boring as hell, but I think we are just going to be stuck with it, until I have time to learn more about the basics of these templates, designs and tools....so I can make it serve me better.

I've decided not to micro-manage any aspect of this blogging experience....lol, it really may not be that important any way.  I could just be writing to myself.  :-)  But more than that, I want it to be something that 'flows and evokes' for me the insight I am reaching for.  That's only going to happen if I do 'let it flow' and not fret too much over mistakes, etc.  So I'm not going to spend lots of time in the other 23 and a half hours of my life thinking about it.  Instead I'm going to 'live life' and then take this half hour to 'process' and let those 'aha moments' pop up right here.

With all of that being said, let me introduce myself.  (smile!) You can call me T.  A lot of people do.  I'm a 50's, pretty happily married woman, with kids and step-kids, who I love and adore.  And like many who wear my title, I've been over-involved with my children at different times in their lives.  (grin!) And like many life experiences, it has helped to take me to this place that I am now.  Of looking at myself thru fresh eyes, learning to see who I am without the defining moniker of 'mother' attached to my being.  It's pretty awesome actually.  It took me a long time to get here.  And it is amazing how attached I've been to that role in my life.  I know there is so much depth to who I am (lol, one of my family's complaints) and yet, as I look around....it's hard to 'see' what is left.  I'm so used to zeroing in on all the layers of being a motherly caretaker.  It's like in the 'picture of my life' those aspects stood out in sharp contrast, and all of the other traits, characteristics, and aspects of me faded so much into the background, they almost became white and unable to be seen.

Lol, not going to list lots of specific details, but it is safe to say that my kids are 'well' into their 20's.  So the 'letting go' process has been slowly occurring.  And often not at as fast a rate as my children would have liked.  But, well....everything happens in it's time.  Lol, and my kids will get that one day.  And quite honestly, other than a periodic reference for 'understanding' I don't intend to talk about my kids very much.  This is about me.  Lol, for the first time in 'their' life, I am thinking of ME first.  (grin!) It feels good and slightly scary at the same time.  I guess, mostly, because those 'details' are faded into that white background.  And I'm not sure what I'm going to see and find as I look.  But I am excited to begin the journey.

I think, like a lot of things we repress or don't allow attention to, those background details are going to be slow, coming into focus.  I hope I won't get too 'boring' or redundant as I explore and work on figuring them out.  Lol, I hope I can find some 'interesting' stories to include to at least make it worth your while, to stop and read for a few minutes.  But well, I may not.  Lol, that might be my learning curve for down the road a bit.  And in that case, it will just be me and You....this fictional person I imagine I am writing to, who is made up of lots of attributes of many people.  And Your imagined attention is what is pulling these things out of me, including realizations as I go.

So that takes care of the mundane introductions.....and now tomorrow, hopefully we can begin to party together, in whatever way we want to do so.  Until then....oh, I'll work on some catchy 'sign off' phrase, but for now, this is all you get.  :-)  Wait, wait...I'm a 'quote Queen' and love to collect them from all over the place.  I saw this one the other day from Dolly Parton, and maybe it should be my 'catch phrase.'  "Figure out who you are; then do it on purpose."  That actually sounds like a really great goal! Until.....